I met a guy off Okcupid a few weeks ago. He was the right age (49). He was a paramedic (very cool career) and seemed to be an overall nice guy. We talked about our interests, and one of his happened to be yoga. He said he was reading a book called Yoga Sutras, to which I asked “Is it like Kama Sutra but with downward dog?”. He thought I was funny, I thought he was intriguing. We exchanged numbers and after a few texts he asked me if I wanted to meet and we set up a date on Saturday night. I wasn’t overly engaged with this guy so when he asked what time I was free, I purposely said after 8:00, so dinner wouldn’t be an option. I wanted to make sure it was framed as a friendly “get to know you” date, as opposed to something romantic.
We went to a pub and had a few beers. He was very good looking, although he did look a bit older than his pictures. The interaction was friendly, but right away I felt like I was having a hard time getting him to engage. He got major points for being able to ask a ton of questions, but when I’d ask him anything he’d give me really short answers that ended with awkward silences. I figured he was just nervous and would loosen up after a couple of beers.
We had a second round, and he got me talking about music. I told him I’m into metal and some pretty heavy stuff and that Deftones was my all time favourite band. He said “Oh, yeah – I love that song “Changed into a fly”. Right there I knew two things. 1 – he was so not a Deftones fan (he meant the song “Change” which was one of the only songs they did that went mainstream – back in 2000. and 2. he was lying to me, likely because he thought it would increase the chance that I would see us as a match. The latter part was more important because it meant he thought telling me what I wanted to hear was more important than telling me the truth. Big red flag already. He also kept telling me how yoga was a way of life, and that he could totally “fix” me with some training. Erm, didn’t realize I was broken, but thanks?
We finished up and he paid the tab, then asked if we could go somewhere else for another beer. I agreed, thinking it could still turn out to be an ok night, and also – we were in my neighbourhood and it was likely I’d run into people I know in the event I wanted to bail. As we left the first bar, we had to walk through a crowd of people who had just finished watching a concert. The sidewalk was super crowded, so my date took this as an opportunity to grab my hand. I wasn’t totally comfortable with it, but it made sense not to lose him in the crowd so I let it happen. I didn’t realize that this non verbal permission I just gave him meant I would have to fight his hands off for the rest of the night…
We get to the second bar and lo and behold, a guy I went to high school was there with a group of friends having a cigarette. We had a quick hello and a hug, and my date and I grabbed a table on the patio. As soon as we sit down my date grabs my hands. I keep trying to find ways to “naturally” pull away.. being really expressive and using my hands while I talk, fiddling with things on the table like my drink and the coaster… but somehow he keeps finding ways to grab them. Slowly, he just sort of places his hands on mine and suffocates them, ha ha. Luckily, my friend from high school is totally wasted and super chatty. He comes over to our table and wants to catch up, and says he didn’t know I was married – to which I replied “actually, this is just a first date!” My date pulls his hands away – this is perfect! We talk for a few minutes, and I can feel my date getting a bit annoyed, but being very diplomatic about it. As soon as my buddy leaves, dates hands come for mine but I grab my beer. We get on the topic of relationships and I tell him I’m bisexual (which I regret almost immediately, as I see that “look” in his eyes. The one that says “so that means we’re going to have a threesome!”. Ya.no. I tell him I’m not sure I believe in monogamy and I think I’d like to explore an open relationship with someone. He’s already told me earlier in the night that he’s monogamous, but now he’s suddenly also been interested in an open relationship(!?). I cringe at his desperation in trying to find a connection with me. Just be you, dude. I don’t want to date myself, and the things that make you unique are probably really interesting – stop trying to BE me. It’s fucking weird. He also keeps saying “I bet you want a man to control you in bed”. Like kind of randomly and in different ways he says this a few times over the night. I just give him raised eyebrows and don’t answer. My drunk buddy interject a few more times and it’s hilarious and awesome.
Date goes to the bathroom and I run to the bar to pay the tab so we can leave when he gets out. I’m fine to continue hanging out with him, although I know there wont be a second date. I just want to make sure he doesn’t have a chance to pay the bill because I want to send the message that this is totally a friendly date. He comes out as I finish paying and says “that’s really cool of you – you’re an impressive girl”, lol. He says he’s got to go back to his car – maybe we can grab one more drink and call it a night. I figure it’s fine to have one more, especially since he’s mentioned he’s going home afterwards (so he’s not thinking he’ll be joining me in my bed later). He asks if there’s a bar near my place and I direct him to something at the end of my street, a few blocks from where we were. As we pull up he says “I don’t think I can drink any more or I wont be able to drive”. Totally fair, and I’m actually ready to go home anyway. I tell him just to drop me at my house so I can go watch Real Housewives of New Jersey, and call it a night. He pulls up and asks if we can sit on my porch. I said no, and he starts arguing with me saying I was ready to go drink at a bar, why not drink here? ummmmm, didn’t you just say you couldn’t drive if you drink anymore?? Wtf dude, I see right through you. I go to get out of his car and he aggressively pulls me in for a kiss. I could feel his stubble rubbing my face raw and I wanted it to be over. I pulled away and got out and he insisted I come back for another one. He tried to be weirdly romantic and I walked away. Locked both my doors and watched him pull away in the dark. I told him to text me when he got home just so I knew he was fine (I do that with everyone). I fell asleep on my couch and woke up to this text:
“In the crowd she reached for his hand…it was already there”
I didn’t see it until the morning and I cringed so so so hard when I saw it. Oh lord, he’s getting poetic now. I don’t want to continue anything with him so I exchange a friendly “good morning” text with him then don’t engage in anything else. 8:06 that night I get this:
“The cool dusk takes over as I listen to Deftones Change”
Stop it. Just stop, lol. I don’t reply.
I hear from him a few times and don’t really reply. The next week he asks if he should stay in contact. Here’s our text exchange:
Date: “hey, hows your week going? Are you up for some adult time?”
Me: “Hey! I’ve got a friend coming over and plans Saturday night – I wont be baby free until after the long weekend”
Date: “Ok no prob. Would you like to get together after that? Shall we stay in touch Miss?”
Me: “Sure, I didn’t think there was romantic chemistry, but I had fun.”
Date: “The kiss didn’t make your list?”
Me: “ha ha, more to a connection than that”
This is where his attitude totallllly changes…..
Date: “Honestly, I used to be into the heavy rock when I was younger. I have that edge, however it’s a darker path and attracts the dark. Drugs, sex and rock and roll baby
I grew out of it, it’s healthier
It was a lot of fun meeting you!”
Me: “Not always 🙂 You just insinuated that I’m unhealthy, lol”
Date: “No, it was unhealthy for me”
Me: “It gives me energy, but I understand what you mean. It depends how you relate to it”
Date: “As with anything, it’s a door really, that leads to dark places. It seems exciting until you find yourself in the darkness facing things that are called upon in the music. Again, personal experience. I hope your journey stays fun and light”
Me: “Well it’s been over 20 years – so far so good, lol”.
What I really wanted to say was “I’m happy and you’re grumpy. I think I’m doing just fine. You’re the problem – not the music” buuuut, I didn’t want to engage in more conversation. That was the final text so I think it’s safe to say it’s this relationship has come to it’s natural end, ha ha.
Edited to add – the next morning I woke up to a message from my friend from high school that I ran into at bar #2. It said “I didn’t realize you were single. Since high school I’ve always wanted to ask you out…”
I literally laughed out loud when I read it. Too cute.
Side note (and maybe a lesson for some)- there’s a massive difference between taking control and being controlling when it comes to sex. Taking control can be very sexy in a mutually respected environment, especially if both partners exchange power. It can mean initiating sex, using dominant moves, or even physically overpowering one another in a permissive way. Being controlling is awful – it’s being pushy, or thinking a woman says no just to be playful, not reading the seriousness in her tone. There’s no grey area – either there’s consent or there’s not. If you aren’t 100% sure she’s into, then it’s not consensual. If you’re misreading her cues and she is into it… she’ll let you know very quickly.